Saturday, May 06, 2006

The MANLY MAN Part III: Your Manly Peers

Unplugged

You have unplugged yourself from the feminist Matrix. You have seen how the world lies ruined in the advent of the empowered cunt. You have shaken off the shackles that generations of testicle-devouring Liliths and their pansy-assed drones have inflicted upon your manhood. Your penis, you now understand, is not a tool for love. It is a weapon of destruction. It is the golden scepter by which your forefathers have dominated women, rewarded them when they were obedient, and punished them when they were defiant.

It is now time to lead the world of men in reclaiming the power that we have foolishly given to the females.

Where Do You Start?

Almost any field of endeavor can serve as a platform for your manly quest. As long as you are manly enough, and awesome enough, your triumphs in your particular discipline will be remembered in ribald songs for centuries. To give you an idea, I hereby present three of the manliest men in modern history, and how they shone in their own fields. Pay attention for these men are YOUR manly peers.

I. The Manly Soldier

Name: John J. Rambo
Field of Endeavor: Survival

Troubled Vietnam War veteran John Rambo is a man of few words. Don't let the fact that he speaks like a Neanderthal who'd swallowed a year's supply of Valium fool you, though. His name is synonymous with mindless aggression and property damage. When he walks into a town, insurance rates shoot up.

Rambo is one tough titty. He performs surgery upon himself without the aid of painkillers. He once jumped off a mountain and broke his fall with his face. But his manliness doesn't end there.

When he was sent back to Vietnam to look for POWs, he left it with ninety-five percent of that country's armed forces festering in the jungles as piles of miscellaneous body parts. He did it once again to the commies in Afghanistan, thereby effectively showing the world once and for all that America is no pussy. Okay, so he fought on the side of the Taliban against the Ruskies; but that's beside the point. Rambo's actions proved America's awesomeness. He could've won the entire Vietnam War single-handedly had the hippies back home let him. They didn't.

And THAT is why Rambo is a troubled Vietnam War veteran, gentlemen.

II. The Manly Martial Artist

Name: Bruce Junfan Lee
Field of Endeavor: Kicking Ass

Bruce Lee may be a short Chinese guy with a bad haircut and who makes strange noises when he's angry, but no one's ever said that to his face. You simply don't tell the man who invented Jeet Kune Do, or the Way of the Intercepting Fist, that he's weird. And you don't remind him that he came to America as the Crown Colony Cha Cha Champion either.

Whoever you are and whatever you do, chances are Lee can kick your ass. Lee is ass kicking made flesh. In fact, he spent his life developing even better ways of doing so. He studied various martial arts (Kung Fu, Thai Boxing, and Filipino Escrima, among others), threw away the traditionalist crap, and combined all the best bits together to make Jeet Kune Do, the style of no style.

Through Jeet Kune Do, Lee became so powerful that he can make a 150-pound sandbag burst with a kick. His striking speed from two feet away was five hundredths of a second. He can break boards (and presumably your face) with his one-inch punch. He could do pushups on his thumbs. Prior to his death in 1973, the only sparring partner that could take the full force of his blows were practice dummies made from automobile parts.

Yet the manliness of Lee's feats is eclipsed by only one thing: he is the only man who ever sparred with Chuck Norris. And survived.

III. The Manly Psychopath

Name: Charles Milles Manson
Field of Endeavor: Mayhem

Charles Manson didn't invent a longer-lasting lightbulb. He didn't develop a better antibiotic. He never brokered peace between two nuclear powers in the brink of war. In fact, if you were to ask him to do that he would probably tell you to go and dump cyanide into both nations' water supplies instead. No, Manson never did anything noble that would make him worthy of being called a manly man. What he did was something even better. He started the freakiest cult in modern history.

Satanist, pervert, pimp, thief, musician, misogynist, and mindfucker-- Manson is the ultimate retard. From 1967 to 1969, he drew together a ragtag band of drifters-- mostly young women and underaged girls-- turned them into death-freaks, and called them his Family. They think he's got the Jesus-vibes, you dig? Indeed, man's got so much of Jesus in him that he led his disciples in a riot of blood rituals, bizarre orgies, and ghastly butchery. Helter Skelter.

While Manson was often surrounded by so many cunts, that doesn't really mean he loves women. In fact, he utterly hates them. His chicks love him because of that. They claim that he's the god of fuck. And whenever he beats the living daylights out of them, pimps them in the streets of San Francisco, threatens to cut off their tits, or makes them perform fellatio on babies, they fall in love him even more. Manson's got moonfire, all right.

Today, Manson is serving a death-turned-life sentence for his hand in the Tate-LaBianca murder spree in Los Angeles. He will be eligible for parole in 2007. Shudder.

Go Forth

There you have it. A penis the ancient Titans would envy. Testicles so awesome that should you jerk off in a pool of high school girls, uncanny reports of immaculate conceptions will flood the tabloids. And now you have an idea of what you must do to reclaim the world of man from the clutches of harpies. Go forth, young man. This is not your privilege. This is not your right. This is your duty. Your destiny.

PREVIOUSLY:
WE NEED MANLY MEN

THE MANLY MAN QUIZ

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