Monday, May 08, 2006

The Top Ten Prettiest Things I've Seen on the Web

We can delude ourselves into thinking that the internet is swiftly transforming the world into a free speech utopia, toppling despotic governments and feeding the teeming millions along the way. If that's what allows you to sleep at night then by all means knock yourself out, man. Ignore the nasty things that lurk in the virtual universe and maybe-- just maybe-- they'll ignore you as well. Not that that's likely.

Trolls, for instance, populate the cyberspace. If you haven't met any of them yet then you're either a bumpkin who just fell down the turnip truck or you're one lucky bastard. Either way, may your expeditions into the internet always be so sheltered.

Yet there are even worse things out there than trolls. These are things to which trolls actually pay homage.

Listen, at any given moment something nasty, something unnamable is happening in the world and someone is having the bright idea to take a picture and post it on the Net. I'm not just talking about executions and mangled bodies. In my line of work I've found that after your first couple of hours in a morgue with a few corpses you lose your awe of the human dead. No, friends, these things are worse than death. George Romero would've wept in envy. These are the stuff of legend.

With that, I present to you:

The Top Ten Prettiest Things I've Seen on the Web!

TEN: MARITAL BLISS
Somebody shoot me. Please.

NINE: IT MUST BE LOVE
Just a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down...

EIGHT: IT'S A PARTY
Ah, so young. So impulsive.

SEVEN: I LOVE YOU. CALL ME.
What to do while you're waiting for your guy to call you.

SIX: SURPRISE, ASSHOLE!
All it takes is practice.

FIVE: RECYCLING IS THE WAY TO GO
Biodegradables there. Recyclables here.

FOUR: CHOCOLATE LOVE
Chocolate. The best gift for Valentine's Day.

THREE: CHERRY
I curse the ancient gods who gave me eyes!

TWO: ORANGE JUICE
Japanese super heroines have strange powers indeed.

ONE: DO NOT CLICK ME
For the love of all that's good and holy, heed the advice!

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