Thursday, June 08, 2006

Notes for the Aspiring Internet Rockstar Part I: Be an Asshole

This article also appears in Blogherald!

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Respect

The real world is a cruel, brutal place where the kind of respect that truly matters is gained either by being born with a huge motherfucking cock, by having smackloads of money, or by owning a gun. Make no mistake, possessing any one of these things will not guarantee success. Nevertheless, it will give you a fighting chance as you kick and claw your way to the top of the pecking order.

However, in this cesspool of retards we fondly call the internet, gaining respect is a different affair altogether. Since we are all cybercreatures devoid of physical bodies here, your cock will never be as impressive as you think it is in real life. Your abundance of money will not help you either since, like the huge cock, everyone here claims to have it. And bullets are powerless to dissuade that anonymous sonofawhore on the other side of the world from mocking your horrendous grasp of the English language.

What does matter in cybergeekdom is the possession of an awesome demesne. And oodles of unique hits each month. And a posse of snarks ready to defend your honor by unleashing their righteous fury upon any asswipe stupid enough to make eye contact with you.

But how do you, the aspiring internet rockstar, even begin building your own barony in this feudal system?

Blog

Blogging would be a start. You don't have to know a whole lot about computer programming to be able to blog. You can even mess around with your blog design through user-friendly editing programs like Microsoft Frontpage so you won't look like a complete loser. That is, unless you're a girly blogger planning to murder innocent bystanders with your atrocious layout and abysmal writing. In that case, you should seriously think about making the world a better place. By getting cervical cancer, for instance.

Yet anyone entering cyberspace would soon realize that the Web is brimming with mostly forgettable blogs jostling each other for readership. And the typical blog reader is a jaded desk jockey with an infantile attention span who will almost never come back to your site if he finds nothing to capture his interest. What do you do to carve a name for yourself then?

Be an Asshole

Consider Maddox and Tucker Max. Why are these men currently enjoying their own cult following, pray tell? Is it because they are the epitome of the civilized human being? Is it because they inspire hope in a bleak world, and love in a dispassionate age? No, you dumb fucks. It's because they are assholes. They are uncouth fucktards who find glee in offending people. Assholes, indeed, finish first. Even the Third World's pride and joy, Mike "Fucking" Villar, would probably admit that his fame (or his infamy) grew exponentially when he created his Atrocities of Friendster series.

There is no other tactic more effective in attracting readers than offending people. An inspirational piece may get forwarded a handful of times but that woman you just pissed off with your misogyny will email your blog post to all her friends. These friends, if sufficiently offended as well, will forward that email to their friends in turn. It'll keep snowballing and in no time at all you'll find your mailbox blossoming with the unkindest words known to man. If you keep posting offensive articles regularly, offended bloggers will start linking to you as the prime example of a lout. Ronin snarks will eventually find their way to your blog and, if they see you have the cojones, will ally themselves with you.

That, fine sir, is the start of your career as an internet rockstar.

NEXT: How to Be an Asshole

7 comments:

  1. i just realized that mikey villar is actually the same mikey villar i have on my messenger list. what a surprise. hehe

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  2. Serendipity. And I've seen the profile in your blog. I'm from UPRHS too. Small world.

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  3. talking about small world, i actually just graduated from uplb. wala lang.

    and yes, i'm waiting for the next article. maybe it can solve my problems.

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  4. That's it. My theory has been proven beyond any reasonable doubt. The world is composed of Los Baños. Everything else is just an illusion.

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  5. ha ha. for four years, that has been my theory too. hope i wouldn't change my mind in the near future. :)

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  6. How about me? Im from Manila. Does that mean I came from Los Banos too? Can PLM be UP too? Ha? Ha?

    Ey Squid, Im lookin' forward for the second part of this one. Ginigiyang nako! Heheh!

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  7. No, Steel m'boy. It means you don't exist. Ka-ching! Now finishing up on the second part. Thanks for dropping by, man.

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