Saturday, June 24, 2006

Notes for the Aspiring Internet Rockstar Part II: How to Be an Asshole

This article also appears in Blogherald!

Why Be an Asshole?

Image Hosted by

We know that being an asshole is the quickest and most effective path towards the Dark Side of the Force, which is way cooler than the pansy-assed Jedi Side of the Force. In my last article, however, I have proven that it is also the quickest and most effective path towards internet rockstardom.

Contrary to what most people might believe, being an asshole is not at all easy. It requires great fortitude. Those who have embarked upon this grand journey have discovered that the Way of the Asshole is a hard road indeed. Hate mail, flame wars, and even threats of bodily harm can dissuade the weaker ones amongst us from continuing on this path. Yet the beast that you, the aspiring internet rockstar, will doubtless find most difficult to defeat is conscience.

The world, your conscience will tell you, is a place filled with enough suffering and despair. Hence, isn't it nobler to offer kindness instead of cruelty? Isn't it more natural for us human beings to sympathize with our fellows rather than to antagonize them?

Your conscience would be right, of course. Unless you have a pathological illness or can boast of an extra chromosome, you are likely wired to do the right thing and not be a jerk. Empathy, after all, is one of humanity's greatest gifts. So why be an asshole?

Let me tell you why:

Because an internet barony of snarks is not built with gentle hands. It is snatched, piece by piece, from the cold, dead fists of lesser men. It is wrestled, shrieking and cursing, into the fucking ground. It is bludgeoned into shape by blood-encrusted knuckles. It is whipped until it is broken.

Because he who lays the most smack commands the greatest respect.

That said, the only way to defeat the curse of the human conscience is for you to be beat the fucking program. Your conscience is an evolutionary conditioning that aims to turn you into a slobbering pussy and to break away from that conditioning, you, the aspiring internet rockstar, must keep in mind that the people you are about to offend are strangers made faceless by that glowing computer monitor. They are nothing to you. Their personal feelings affect you no more than over-the-counter painkillers affect HIV. Remember, compassion is the road to ruin.

Who to Offend

To help you on your way towards internet rockstardom, I have prepared here a list of potential targets for your pitiless snark machine. Though far from complete, you will find this list growing as you gain more experience in offending people on the internet. Assuming no one murders you anytime soon, of course.

Image Hosted by


Remember how girls used to ignore you when you were in school? Remember how they refused to go to bed with you? Remember how the fat, ugly cunt who finally did called you the worst lay evah? Now is your chance to get back at them all in one fell swoop! Take that, you cruel bitch who laughed at my wretched penis!


Because they are gay.


Kids don't know jack shit about the real world. They think the world outside the confines of the classroom is fair. They think that by the age of thirty they'll be as rich as Bill Gates. And they are used to rational-thinking adults who handle them with kid gloves. Time to lay some smack upon them and open their eyes to the nasty world they are about to inherit!

Ethnic Minorities

Because the rest of the world hates racists.

Your Own Ethnicity

Chances are, the people who read your blog are of the same ethnicity as you, aspiring internet rockstar. This is the perfect opportunity to get your own race to hate you!

Religious Beliefs

Christians are taught to turn the other cheek. Buddhists will ignore you in favor of meditating on the sound of one hand clapping (it's similar to the sound of one hand slapping the salami, by the way). Muslims, on the other hand, will place a fatwah upon your heathen head. And that is the height of coolness.

Musical Tastes

Everyone thinks his music is cool. Dissing someone's musical taste will strike very close to home indeed.

Last Note

Now that you have the basic tools on how to be an internet rockstar, it's high time you went forth to carve yourself your own kingdom in the wild frontier of cyberspace. In your many adventures, you will find out more ways to offend people. With any luck, you will soon be at the helm of a coven of snarks. Remember to pack iron whenever you physically go out of the house, though. Sarcasm doesn't stop bullets.

PREVIOUSLY: Notes for the Aspiring Internet Rockstar Part I of II: Be an Asshole


  1. i don't know if this will strike you as a compliment, but it is meant as one, just in case of misinterpretation:

    you are, by all means, the alpha-male jessica zafra.

    you deserve a cult following. :]

    one more thing: you do not need to be an asshole to be an internet rockstar. your humor and fluency are enough. :]

  2. But are they enough to prevent my hair from falling off? I just discovered my hair thinning on the top of my head! The horror! The horror!