Saturday, July 15, 2006

The Misogynist's Guide to Dating Part I: Rape

Minors are using their phone cameras to make amateur porn, showing the world that enthusiasm more than makes up for inexperience. Teenaged girls are frolicking all over the internet, posting photographs of themselves in various states of undress, practically begging to get screwed. Clothes cunningly designed to attract sexual molestation, once the uniform of skanky streetwalkers, are the garb of choice for young women. Yes, young man. You have the good fortune of living in an awesome decade. There has never been a better time to be a promiscuous lad than now.

I suppose graybeards could argue that the Swinging Sixties was a more conducive time for coital abandon. When women suddenly found themselves drunk on the liberating power of the anti-baby pill, they started screwing like the sex-starved survivors of a nuclear apocalypse. Bras were forsaken for good or ill. Fucking became a recreational activity as morality, chagrined, walked out of the house through the back door, only to find himself right smack in the middle of a backyard clusterfuck. Yet all that sexual psychedelia would seem like a nasty trip once you realize that chicks back then were grubby hippies who on principle refused to shave their armpits. Oh, the sheer horror! Be thankful, my friend, that you live in the first decade of the 21st century. Despite recognizing that the lack of female body hair is a patriarchal idea of beauty, women still shave what needs shaving.

However, even in this sprawling era of decadence, you still find yourself unable to engender a situation of comfortable nakedness followed by genital intercourse. It is not a simple case of bashfulness, or else the countless informative internet articles on how to score with chicks would have set you on the path of Lothario by now. It's a much graver condition. You genuinely hate women. You recognize the utter foulness of the cunt, whose slimy, pungent depths you both loathe and covet.

Congratulations. You are a misogynist, and a really fucked up one at that.

You may have been born to such ruination. You may have been scarred by parental negligence. You may even have been ensured a lifetime of tragedy by your unfortunate penile dimensions. Whatever the cause of you pathology, however, one thing is for certain: being a misogynist doesn't necessarily mean you don't desire women. As a matter of fact, you think screwing women would be divine if only the burden of sexual friendship and other unnecessary interaction with the penile-deficient could be avoided. Indeed, you think sex should be no more complicated than making a woman spread her legs and wait respectfully for you to finish poking around. Given your special condition, how then do you actually get laid?

You commit rape.

As our trailer-bred brethren put it: you ain't never had a cunt 'til you've had it hissing and squirming like an angry rattler under you and cursing the names of your forefathers all the way to Abraham. Now before you faint in shock at the depths of madness to which I am leading you, my fine lad, know that violent and coercive sex is part of the healthy man's nature. That's right, and I have science behind me all the way.

In A Natural History of Rape: Biological Bases of Sexual Coercion, published by MIT in 2000, creepy lab guy Randy Thornhill and anthropologist Craig T. Palmer tells us that rape is as much a part of the human makeup as, say, the need to shit. They dispel the feminist propaganda that rape is a mentally unsound man's recourse to gain power rather than sexual gratification. Rape is about sex, our science buddies say, simply because of the glaringly obvious fact that a man needs a fucking boner to commit it, you stupid cunts. It's an urge so strong it remains wired in our brains despite thousands of years of social and legal suppression. Even in the insect kingdom, we see evidence that nature espouses it. Each male scorpion fly is outfitted with a sharp member that serves no noticeable purpose. It's when the female rejects the male's advances that the appendage reveals its nasty design: to clamp around the female's forewings during forced mating.

But we're human beings, not animals, your social conditioning exclaims. Look here, bud. So long as we need to eat, shit, and fuck, we're still animals. Just because we suddenly invented civilization a few geologic eyeblinks ago doesn't negate that. And now that Messieurs Thornhill and Palmer have explained to us that rape has a biological basis, we perverts can all heave a collective sigh. No, we're not freaks. Nature, in her infinite wisdom, made us this way. We're devotees of sexual coercion, by Jove! Legitimate scientific findings can now be used in our defense in the event that we find ourselves at the mercy of the Law.

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NEXT: The Risks of Rape
COMING SOON: Date Rape Drugs are Your Best Friends


  1. Does this apply to hot male co-workers? *giggle*

  2. Hey hey hey Rands it's me again! Ive read your "Kids!" entry on your Friendster blog (but Im unluckily unable to leave a comment there because we're not allowed to access fster at work). I know it might be pretty scary raising a kid in this God-forsaken city. It would be advisable if you just place your future kid in a cage full of toys and let her grow in solitude.

    Oh, fuck it! Where can I download the Tammy NYP video?! WHERE?!

  3. Yes, it applies to male co-workers. No, I won't tell you where to download Tammy. Honestly I forgot myself but I found it with Google so I'm sure you won't find it too hard. And yes I plan to raise my kid in isolation. Maybe I'll move to Samar. I hate this modern city life where internet retards espouse misogyny and rape in their blogs. Those barbarians!

  4. What a bunch of horseshit. This blog blows. You can't justify anything written here. It's hogwash, horsepuckey, and utter irrelevant nonsense!

    Why God created beings such as you is only a mystery. You are as screwy as that ass who created The Best Page in the Universe, calling himself Maddox. He was the biggest ass in the world to me, but now....

  5. Hello. It's me again. I'm sorry... I was too stupid to realize that this is a satire blog. I can be daft that way. In fact, I'm daft most of the time. That's why I can't get laid. You, Squid, are teh manhood. I abase myself in the incandescent glow of your awesomeness.

  6. Oh yeah? I forgive you. Now, fuck off.