Thursday, August 03, 2006

The Misogynist's Guide to Dating Part II: The Risks of Rape

The call center phenomenon is the ultimate boon for Third World rapists. Never before have the wee hours of the morning been blessed with so much A-Grade meat practically begging to be molested in some dark, garbage-strewn street. Our forebears may have been sad nightcrawlers who had to range far and wide just to find a victim of tolerable quality, but we modern-day predators are crotch deep in graveyard shift chinadolls. Indeed, this ancient tradition of sexual assault has become so easy it's almost embarrassing.

Yet if rape has become an effortless endeavor nowadays, why do many men find it hard to partake of this depravity? Two reasons, really. The first I call the Myth of the Ass-Kicking Womyn.

Movies like Charlie's Angels, Ultra-Violet, and Aeon Flux, as well as other popular forms of entertainment featuring chicks of dude-like awesomeness have produced men who've grown up believing that five out of ten women can actually kick ass. This myth is further reinforced by the growing-popularity of martial disciplines as legitimate workout methods for women. We are led to believe that chicks now have the power to slap men around and so we must give them respect.

Due to the perceived risk of bodily harm in the enterprise of rape, these men have instead developed stealth tactics that include flowers, shiny gifts, and easy-breezy bar lines. While I will concede that the pursuit of sex using these methods is an enjoyable trip in its own right for a lot of men, it also has obvious disadvantages; not least of which is getting hitched to a nagging cunt.

But let's get something straight. Unless a chick is pumped with so much steroids that she looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger with rudimentary tits and a suspiciously dick-like clitoris, no amount of training can give her the power to leave you cradling the sad ruin of your testicles in some dirty alley. Martial training alone cannot make women faster or stronger than the feeble limits of their delicate bodies.

Case in point: I recently went to a Tae Kwon Do competition with a bud of mine to watch her younger sister, who's been training since she was 16. After the games, she introduced me to her friend, Kate, who won most of fights, losing only to a dyke with a shaved head and scarred knuckles. Long story short, Kate jokingly challenged me to a sparring session and I accepted. You must understand that I smoke heavily and about the only exercise I get on a regular basis is climbing a short flight of stairs to get to the train station. It wasn't much of a surprise that Kate managed to land me a few stinging kicks. She wasn't pulling the punches, mind you. At twenty-one, she was ten years younger and ten thousand cigarettes healthier. Those kicks genuinely made me mad. Mad enough to rush at her and slap her across the mouth with the knotted backside of my hand. She fell with a lip bleeding, burst into tears, and totally dispelled the myth of the ass-kicking womyn.

I rule, motherfucker.

Yet while the danger of getting your spleen handed to you by a chick you attempted to rape may be a ridiculous over-estimation of our prey, the risk of going to prison isn't. And this is the second reason why most men do not have the testicular chutzpah for sexual predation. The reality of the matter is that prison sucks. Being born a retard, a starving Somali baby, or even a woman with forgettable tits would seem like a better destiny compared to spending two decades of your life surrounded by sex-starved convicts. Prison means eventually losing your grip on that small bar of soap during shower time and finding out why criminals are usually described as hardened. This brief image alone can dissuade a dude from ever considering rape as a dating option.

Is it over for the misogynist then? Has the art of forcible sexual intercourse gone the way of dinosaurs, Wordstar, and the Rolling Stones? Are we left with no other option but to download kiddie porn from the 'Net to assuage our primordial hungers? I hardly think so. Medical science has opened an avenue for adaptation, an avenue that in this day and age is causing a renaissance in sexual coercion. We call it date rape drugs.

NEXT: Date Rape Drugs are Your New Best Friends


  1. Nasty, Squid. Nasteee...

  2. Hellooooooo Randy. And how is the vulture of culture? :D

  3. (!!! Oh holy fuck! Someone who actually knows me has found me!)

    Excuse me, ma'am, but you must've mistaken me for someone else.

    (Runs away...)

  4. I am not Randy Villanueva. I don't know who he is but by the sound of his name alone he seems like a great guy. Indeed, he seems like God's gift to humanity. He must be handsome and awe-inspiring. Above all, he doesn't sound like the kind of guy that posts retarded shit on the internet. But I don't know him. AND I DON'T KNOW YOU PEOPLE! GO AWAAAY!!!111ONEONEONEoneoneone