They say you can tell a man’s character from the things you find in his workplace. I work at home most of the time. Knock yourself out:
1. Star Wars monster-slash-love toy for when I’m surfing porn.
2. Iced tea-slash-lube for when I’m surfing porn.
3. Alarm clock to remind me that my wife is about to come home so it’s time to clean the manly jizz surfing porn all day invariably leads to.
4. Pen holder with an old scalpel (don’t ask).
5. Daily planner to remind me of how I’m not accomplishing anything since I’m always surfing porn.
6. Foot powder to prevent trench foot and gangrene for whenever I’m moonlighting as a mercenary in various war-torn Third World countries.
7. Drawing board, which makes “back to the drawing board” more than a cliché to me.
8. The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich, which I put here so you’ll think I’m smart and shit.
9. Cigarette burn, which forever ruins my drawing board.
1. Another Star Wars monster toy being ridden by a Storm Trooper
2. This is the physical manifestation of writer’s block
3. I’ve already pointed this out in Figure 1, you dumb fuck. Beside it is a flamingo snow globe, which is really surreal on a lot of levels
4. Pencil sharpener which I never use since I prefer sharpening pencils using a craft knife
5. The old Vista monitor I’ve been using since 2003.
6. A Storm Trooper currently demonstrating what the Imperial Army does on its spare time.
1. A funeral parlor just outside my window
2. A can of wood chisels that I have never used yet since I bought them last year.
3. Me not realizing that I’ve already pointed this out in Figure 1.
4. Band of Brothers cigarette can, an evidence of my preoccupation with dirty, smelly young men.
5. Mess box to hold my beads and shit… there’s also a web cam there somewhere.
6. Another cigarette burn.
7. Sketch pad, where I draw dirty pictures of women.
8. Another sketch pad, where I draw dirty pictures of men.
9. Cigarette and ashtray, so that I can die of cancer and go to heaven and be in Baby Jesus’ arms forever and ever while you fucktards burn in hell.
1. A small notebook I carry in my back pocket whenever I go out of the house so that I can show people how serious I am about my writing and that I am a real fucking artist.
2. A really bad picture of me on my ID.
3. A gel pen I bought from some old lady near the Magallanes MRT station for ten pesos.
4. Ketchup, soy sauce, and various other stains collecting on my keyboard.
Now, fuck off.