I was going through my day just like every other cybernaut: getting people to look at the Goatse Guy’s asshole, vandalizing Wikipedia as my contribution to the pursuit of ignorance, and searching the electronic Qur’an for passages that would justify the killing of women, children, and Belgians. When I logged into my Imageshack account with the intention of uploading kiddie porn, I found this:
What, pray fucking tell, is this? Why is there a picture of pedolicious Protestant school kids on my Imageshack account?
My first thought was that the multitude finally shaped up and recognized me for the awe-inspiring being that I am and that they’re now offering their children to me in exchange for blessings. Like not unleashing plagues and shit upon the world, for instance. Thus I took out my dusty old obsidian axe and started rehearsing the ritual slaughter of children, which I haven’t really done since my eleventh birthday. I then had another thought: why am I not getting a deluge of friend requests on my Friendster account? Surely, if this was the prophesied advent of the Man-God, people would be willing to slit each other’s throats just to get into my list of friends.
There’s something rotten in Denmark, methinks.
Okay, so it was probably just a glitch. Some snotty pre-teen shithead who’d recently discovered hair one between her legs simply uploaded her class picture so she can blog about it without realizing how much her writing sucks goat balls and how small and sad her life will be compared to everyone else’s. She’ll go through high school being teased a lot, get knocked up in college, have lots of brats, accomplish nothing special, and will someday lie dying of breast cancer, at which time she’ll realize that everything she ever did in her life was utterly pointless.
You know what I ought to do? I ought to delete the picture and feel all fuzzy inside as some kid wails in despair because her class picture fails to appear in her blog. And then I should inform Imageshack about said glitch using highly technical jargon like “asshat” and “fuckery” and “cunt” and the like. Ultimately though, I decided to do neither because I’d rather use the picture and make fun of it; and because this occasional glitch gives me an opportunity to make fun of people each time it manifests.
Now, go away.