Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Tower of Babel

The Internet, indeed, is the spiritual child of the hippie generation. As this techno-cultural phenomenon further evolves beyond any single person’s hands we see the Flower Children’s DNA all over the cyberscape like a shining Mandala: a testament to humanity’s innate desire for the common good. At any given moment throughout meatspace people are uploading their art, their humor, their software, their opinions, and their knowledge for the sheer pleasure of sharing. As we share though, the paradigms that once dictated the course of matters from pornography to politics to pedagogy are swiftly being torn apart by the merciless deluge of electronic voices and thoughts that will eventually lead us towards the destruction of our religions, our cultures, and our governments so that we can truly be one world. This is the Great Beast that rips the power away from politicians, popes, and despots. This is the Tower of Babel that, despite Divine Confounding, rises forth once again to challenge the heavens.

Make no mistake about it. This is the face of revolution, not salvation. As this cyclone tears across the globe and wipes the slate clean for a new order, our perception of the world will be flayed to the bone. The creative industry, for instance, reels at the effects of illegal file sharing and piracy. As we speak, legendary rockstars weep over low album sales. Hotshot directors threaten to stop making movies. Bestselling wordslingers rage over the theft of their mind jism. I say so be it. As the artists who have been fattened in the House of Mammon fade away, a great many others will take their place. Even without the promise of fame and fortune a musician will make songs, a filmmaker will make movies, and a writer will make books. The Internet thrives with virtual communes of artists in pursuit of an audience.

FilipinoWriter.Com is one such enclave that I’ve been regularly visiting since its inception a few years back. A community of wordsmiths both professional and amateur, this niche in cyberspace is a hotbed of talent waiting to erupt, threatening to engulf the mainstream scene and give established writers a run for their money. Consider one of the most popular novellas published in that site:

Judas Priest on a burning bicycle! Okay, so the proposed cover art leaves a lot of room for improvement. In fact, I think it’s about as abominable as an aging, washed-up Thai prostitute getting boned by a mangy Doberman named Rex on streaming video for a few grams of meth. Jeebus, but less excretable artwork have led wretches to the guillotine! To be fair to the man though, FilipinoWriter.Com is about writing and not graphic design. Besides, haven’t we all been taught never to judge a book by its cover? Take my hand then. Let us descend into the labyrinthine complexity of this masterpiece and partake of the wisdom it offers the open mind:

Ang mga tauhan, pook o lugar, pangalan at pangyayaring ginamit sa kuwentong ito ay pawang KATOTOHAN at hinango sa tunay na buhay. Ang anumang pagkakatulad o pagkakahawig sa tunay na buhay ay talagang SINASADYA. harharharhar

Ang mga eksenang hindi kapanipaniwala ay sinadya ng may akda at ang mga teknikal error ay kusang sinadya ng may akda. (para di-halata ang kanyang pagkakamali. harharhar)
Ito ay isang kwentong HINDI nakakatawa...katawa-tawa lang harharhar
Parental Guidance is NOT recommended.......harharharhar

Ako si Cocoy, a virgin boy!
A SMALL, small boy in a BIG, big world in a BIG, big city in a BIG, big town
"Waaaaaaaaaa! Mag-twetwenty-one na ako pero hanggang ngayon VIRGIN pa rin ako."

Noong unang panahon sa isang Isla ng Iloilo na tinatawag na Ika-pitong Isla sa bundok ng Virgin Island ay may isang sanggol na isinilang. Itatago natin siya sa pangalang Cocoy.
"Ahhhhhh! ah...ah....ah.....! Hin...di ko na..kaya," malakas na sigaw ng babaeng nanganganak.
"Pilitin mo, sige pa, sige pa...ah....sige pa....," malakas na sigaw ng paltera
At isang sangol ang niluwa mula sa kanyang sinapupunan.
"Tatay na ako! Tatay na ako!" Malakas na sigaw ng isang lalaking nasa labas ng bahay kubo.
Kasabay ng malakas na sigaw ang isang malakas na kulog at kidlat. Ang kidlat ay pumasok sa bintana ng bahay kubo at
"Ahhhh!" tinamaan sa puso ang babaeng nanganak.
"Ka-Ruben ang asawa moooooooo!" sigaw ng paltera.
Agad na pumasok sa loob ng kwarto ang lalake.
"Hindi!" agad itong lumapit sa wala nang buhay na asawa.
"Unga! Unga! Unga!" malakas na iyak nang sangol. Napanga-nga ang paltera ngayon lang niya napansin na ngayon lang umiyak ang sangol.
"Malas ang sanggol na ‘yan," sabay turo ng lalake sa sanggol at akma itong kukunin ng lalaki.

Sweet Satan having multiple orgasms! Whoever wrote this steaming pile of offal threatens to rip the very fabric of reality and call the everlasting horror of Yog-Sothoth down upon us! At last I understand what H.P. Lovecraft meant in his verbose rants about unholy dimensions that only the mad and the dead can glimpse! Fear not, though. This is FilipinoWriter.Com, a vast demesne of the country’s most brilliant minds. Let us see what advices these literary giants have for the unfortunate author of this miserable story:

Galing naman nito!
Submitted by dyeppri on July 17, 2008 - 11:40pm.
Magaling ang pakakagawa mo.... may talent ka pala talaga sa comedy.
Muntik na ako mahulog sa kinauupuan ko mabuti na lamang napakapit ako.
Nice 1. aabangan ko ang kasunod nito

ayus ah..
Submitted by eloisa marie he... on July 18, 2008 - 1:20am.
nakakabitiiin! Putol ang ending! Effective ka talaga kuya sa comedy. Haha..nakakawala ng stress sa duty. Hindi ko tinigilan ito.
nakakatwa mga bato ng linya, naaliw talaga ako. Kahit may konting stereotype sa story mas maganda pa rin ang kabuuan. Natakluban kumbaga. Pero gusto ko talaga yong mga linya..hehe panalo! lalo na yong sa tatay ni Cocoy. Nakakatawa talaga.
kelan ang susunod?

Submitted by balintuna on July 18, 2008 - 1:03pm.
This is something to be proud of! I like his craft! Sobra! and It's kinda relative eh! & i know someone kasi who had a problem like that also. hahaha im gonna let him know this hahaha he might think that this is his story pero ginawang comedy. hahahaha
I am eager to know the portion on how cocoy surpassed his ODDS? hehehe When will be the release date? give me a pm ah.. tnks
ciao ciao!Smile

Si jonsdmur ay lubos na
Submitted by jonsdmur on July 21, 2008 - 3:48pm.
Si jonsdmur ay lubos na nagpapasalamat sa lahat ng tumangkilik ng Part one ng Cocoy... marami pong salamat
Si jonsdmur ay nag propromote ng Cocoy part two... para na ninyong awa basahin na ninyo...Cool

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Internet Revolution is fucking screwed.


  1. Nice to see you back on the intarwebs, dude.

    We all know that FilipinoWriter.com sucks sweaty salty balls. Come on, even Kimosave was able to make a name for himself there.

  2. Jonas is Kimosave? Cripes, I should've seen that. I often notice how he uses phrases and ideas that originally came from TMB, the forum, and the editors' personal blogs. And he sounds a lot like many of us did during the early Internet Asshole days, when being bad was enough for lulz. How DO you find these things out, Detective Ade? Does Satan have anything to do with your powers?

  3. I don't know what to say about Cocoy, The Virgin Boy.

    I can't also understand why some people still praise his err.. masterpiece? *puke*

  4. Publishing stories like this on the web is akin to flinging poo on everyone. Wait, that would be an insult to the poo-flinging community. At least poo-flingers tend to consider their target, wind velocity and poo density. These "writers" clearly don't.

  5. @ alberto knox:

    It's more of a circle jerk thing methinks. Currently, the trend down there is to praise others so you could get praise yourself. Or maybe they really think this is the greatest thing that came out of the mind of man since Guns N Roses' Paradise City. Here's a thought: if everyone in the whole wide world thinks Cocoy, The Virgin Boy is up there with Macbeth and the Brothers Karamazov except for you and I, does that mean we have bad taste or it's the whole world who's got bad taste?

  6. @ steel:

    Golly, Steel, I should've known that being a connoissieur of things scatological in nature is one of your many super powers.

  7. Dios mío!,iliterado un artículo escrito por usted.

  8. Yes, I'm quite aware of what's been written about me in FilipinoWriter.Com by the drama queens who, predictably, are acting like an effing lynch mob. Quite amusing, really. Maybe I'll write another post just to keep the ball rolling if I'm not too lazy.

    Also, please refrain from using Spanish when commenting or else I'll have to make fun of you. As one sentinel of Internet morality said, I'm an Internet bully. Besides, most of us studied our language electives in college (mine was Spanish and French, merde) but we don't want to look like total douchebags flaunting our foreign languages, do we? And if I was in love with Spanish I'd be writing a Spanish blog, si? There you go.

  9. They're not drama queens Squid. They have a point and of all the fucktards there are in there, you chose the castle clown! Everyone loves the clown no matter how irritating he could be because he's as cuddly as a bear. I'm not against you or for you because I am aware that these kinds of criticisms are abundant on the internet. I'm not against you or for you because I understand your frustration as well. But really Squid, pick on someone your own size.

  10. Now look what you've done!!! The very person you criticized has become the star of the site. If that ain't "Epic Fail" on your part, I don't know what is.

  11. Epic fail? Whatever gave you the idea that I was trying to steer attention away from him? If I wanted to do that I wouldn't have linked to his work. I was voicing an opinion and so I chose what I think is the worst of the lot as an example. Besides, he's already the star of the site (for good or ill... mostly ill) even before I posted my opinion. Thanks for visiting taking the time to comment, though.

  12. Doh! The whole place is plagued by his sweat! I'm dying here. And I did liked the site so. Well anyway, you're welcome.

  13. Allow me good sirs to add my comment on this here thread, though this kinda late as this should have been when the show was still hot, and since my name was mention by Ade and the Squid himself. Please know first off that I meddle not with things simply based on boundless mediocrity and evidently poor understanding of things. That's why I wrote this for Ade some days ago.

  14. I suppose I should ask you to clarify if you're Kimosave or not but really, the issue is an old one and I've lost interest in it.