Friday, January 29, 2010

The Word According to Squid Part I

On Prayer

How's this for prayer? A man prays that his cancer regresses. It does. God has answered his prayers! The news spreads. Meanwhile, fifty other cancer patients who prayed died. God apparently didn't answer their prayers. Maybe they didn't pray hard enough. Maybe they didn't believe enough. Maybe. The fact remains that the chances of you getting your wish through prayer is statistically the same as getting it without. Not hating, just saying.

On the Path of Righteousness

All paths lead to God. And if there isn't one, at least we had fun.

On Pickup Lines

Lemme share to you my best pickup line when I was in college: "Would you like to drink from this, my Cup of Iniquity, my Chalice of Perdition?" Guaranteed to NOT get you laid for at least six months.

On Death

I've finally decided how I want to die: in a ten-foot deep pit, naked, wielding a bloody fire axe, battling a horde of zombies!

On Charity

As a rule, I don't give money to beggars and solicitors. I don't trust them. We've always created our own charitable projects in out neighborhood so we know our money is going to get used as we see fit. This afternoon though, I was in the middle of a braingasm when this lady soliciting for some sort of medical mission knocked on our door so I took out a few coins just to make her go away. She said the minimum donation was 20 Pesos. I slammed the door on her face

On Juan Ponce Enrile's Winning Smile

Juan Ponce Enrile with his default expression looks like a nasty old fart. Juan Ponce Enrile smiling and trying to look friendly can cause a miscarriage.

On the Malong

I ran out of clean shorts to wear around the house so I decided to gird my loins with an old malong. I must say that the ancients were right in their choice of apparel. The malong is pretty liberating... especially now that I've run out of clean underwear as well and have been going Rambo since this morning.

On the Moon

The yellow crescent of the moon reminds me of a sorcerer's cup: a hideous thing cut from an ancient skull, its rim turned up to catch some poisonous mead.

On Abraham's Bright Idea

Abrahamic monotheism is probably the worst idea humankind ever had. Before Jehovah, Jesus, and Allah, people didn't mind if their neighbors worshipped a different god. Sure, there were probably "my diety is more awesome than your diety" pissing contests but no one really committed genocide to promote his personal god. Everyone knew one god is as good as the next one and all a dude has to do is pick his favorite and then stick with it. Then Abraham came along announcing that his God is tasking him to wreck holy vengeance upon all the fucking heathens...

On Pascal's Wager

"It makes more sense," said Blaise Pascal, "to believe in God than to not believe. If you believe, and God exists, you will be rewarded in the afterlife. If you do not believe, and He exists, you will be punished for your disbelief. If He does not exist, you have lost nothing either way."

Mr. Pascal, however, never said anything about WHICH god to believe in. Is it okay if I believe in Jehovah and it turns out that Allah is the real deal?

On the Spork

I cannot respect the spork. God knows I tried to keep an open mind about it, to know more about it, to peacefully coexist with it. But the spork is simply an abomination that must be wiped off from the face of the Earth.

On Tables and Chairs

Life is hard. Some have it harder than others. But you will agree that everything becomes more bearable when you have a table and a chair. These two pieces of furniture improve your life by leaps and bounds. I will even be so bold as to say that the coupling of table and chair is the backbone of modern fucking civilization!

Sanity on Commercial Break

I am Zarathustra on fire. I am Buddha on meth. I am Ghandi with a loaded gun. I am the thorny crown lovingly wrapped around your testicles. I am the Man on the Tree. I am the Devil in the details. I am both priest and pariah. I am unclean. I am uncouth. I am unrepentant. I am Leviathan. I am the awesome rod of Jehovah. I am the Seven Fists of Garuda. I am Indarapatra with a pornstar-sized erection that shoots flaming naptha. I am the healing jizz of Baha'u'llah. I am a cosmic cowboy on the jewel-encrusted path to the stars...

On Legacies

I'm trying to leave something awesome behind because I don't think there's anything out there beyond death.

On Procrastinating

Lemme tell you a secret, my friend. It doesn't matter how good you are at thinking up stuff. If it ain't in black and white, if you don't put it down on paper so the world can weep at how awesome you are, then it'll just be brainjuice and unrequited love. You'll wake up one day realizing you're forty years old and your dreams have turned to dust.

For Sale

For sale: one slightly-used soul.

On Miraculous Images

It's a miracle when Jesus-like patterns appear on toast, on soap bubbles, in photographs of fire. Is it still a miracle when the Man on the Tree appears on a dog's asshole?

On the Pursuit of Happiness

Don't worry about me, my friend. Despite the appalling misanthrophy I seem to promote, I'm a happy carnivore.

On Toys

When I was a boy, we didn't have a lot of money so I never had a lot of toys (cue sappy music). Whatever toy I received, I cherished it like a zealot with the mummified foreskin of Christ. It fills me with righteous indignation, the way spoiled brats treat their toys nowadays.

On Fucking Up

How's this for a first-class, dick comedy-esque fuckup? In a brainstorming meeting circa 2007, I mistakenly used a major ABS-CBN boss' personal mug as an ashtray.

On Growing Up

When they get to around ten, they start pulling away. Gently, patiently, and sadly, but pulling away nonetheless. Last night, my voice cracking, I asked her: can you please stop growing up? She answered in a small voice: I can't help it. With those four words, she stabbed me in the heart and left me for dead.

On Hair

Here's the Gospel Truth, my dear six-year-old nephew: I grew my hair long fifteen years ago because my life before then had been a series of really bad haircuts.

On Jailbait

I grow older every year but the jailbait stay the same age. What a tragedy.

On Million-Peso Bags

You wanna know something I'd like to do before I die? I'd like to buy a 5-million-peso bag, shit on it, and then burn it.

On Calling a Spade a Spade

Don't you just want to tear your hair out whenever you hear someone say USB instead of flash drive?

On Companionship

When you really have to choose, I think you'll find out that the only people you need in your life boils down to one. Of course, there'll be many that you'd miss but you won't really die without them.

On Van Damme Movies

Lighten up, man. When you sit down to watch a Van Damme movie, you don't really expect to gain wisdom that would change your life.

The Apostle's Creed

Give me a loaded revolver and I'll tear the universe down for you, baby.

On the Twilight Series

Dear Twilight Series: God knows I've tried to keep an open mind about you. But life is just too damn short.

Cheer Up

You know better than to cry on my shoulder. I'm not exactly made up of rainbows and sunshine.
On Evil Inventions

I just realized that the most abominable invention of the human race is not the Tsar Bomba. It's scooter loudspeakers.

On Miraculous Healing

You must believe me when I say that I am asking this without any malice: God has been known to save people from fires, from muggers, from rapists, from natural disasters, and other life-threatening situations. God has even been known to cure cancer and to reverse death and putrefaction. Why, then, has there never been an instance of an amputated arm or leg regrowing through the power of God?

On Art Films

Dapat lahat ng art film black and white para alam nating art ang pinapanood natin at hindi movie lang.

On Truth

The most awesome gift UP has given me, I've come to realize, is the ability-- nay, the COMPULSION-- to question everything.

On Faith

Dear Buddy: People on Facebook talk about their faith all the time. Why shoudn't I talk about my lack of it?

On the Train

People on the train, packed like intestines in a glutton's vast gut, imagining they still possess personal space.

People on the train, desperately trying not to look at each other.

On QWERTY Keys

Once you go QWERTY, I've learned with much sadness, your thumbs lose their awesome blind-texting skillz.

On the Ten Commandments

I take the Ten Commandments not as an inviolable codex of righteousness but as a multiple choice question.

On Human Exaltedness

If we can someday make machines so complex that they can realize their own existence then what else is there that would make being human special?

On Nihilism

Lemme tell you something that would make you like me a bit less. There are times when I just want to see the world burn.

On Attitude

When a movie sucks, everyone blames the writer. When a movie is awesome, everyone praises the director. Now ask me again why I have an attitude.

On Theft

C'mere. Closer. Listen. Politicians steal from us all the time. It's time to steal back from the bastards.

On Art

When it matters, art is merely a consolation and not the prize. The real prize is life. A dude who spends too much time artsy-fartsying his way through it has already lost the game.

On Pornography

Today's epiphany: If it can be done in porn, it can be done in real life.

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