Dear Squid: Why are you such an exhibitionist on the Internet? Love, Your Self-Esteem.
Self-validation via Internet buffoonery ain't working tonight. I want to lash out at something. Nope, there's no punchline here.
On Internet Sex Videos
The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that leaked Internet sex videos are the digital age's version of the pillory.
On Blind Guitarists
Dear Blind Dude: Why do I keep giving you money for mangling songs that I love with your electric guitar?
On World Domination
When I rule the world, I'll change my name to Darth Malleus. I'll also make everyone do Caligula's dance each morning.
Weird. For the life if me, I can't recall anymore when the last time was that I actually wrote anything down on paper.
The shit I say on Facebook? Nah, I don't really say that in real life. Waittaminute. Yes, I do.
I don't make many friends because I look for more substantial connections. The shallow networks we build in the office or around the neighborhood are exasperating. The friends I keep, I'm pretty sure are true. And the ones who turn out not to be true? I remember my hatred and I wait.
Someday I will be kinder, more compassionate, and more forgiving. But not today. Today I will fill my cup of wrath.
On Girl Crushes
Sometimes, I wish I was a girl so I can have a girl crush.
When I reply "Haha!" or any of the permutations thereof, I usually mean "I hope this conversation is over now."
On Shocking People
The problem with being an Internet Asshole is that the time will come when nothing you say can shock people anymore.
On Rockstardom Part 1
The plan is to become a rockstar through sheer talent alone. I'll sit here, stare at the wall, and wait for fame and fortune.
On Rockstardom Part 2
I'll level with you. The plan to become a rockstar by sitting on my ass, staring at the wall, and waiting for fame and fortune: it isn't working so well. I think I'll actually have to start converting the "sheer talent" part into something they call "output". Fine. Damnitwhydoesithavetobesohard.
I'll take you to the witchman who hides inside my head. We'll speak of love unending. We'll banquet with the dead.
On Light and Darkness
No one will understand your choice to live in filth and darkness until you come out bearing the purest light.
Maraming mga bagay ang mahirap tanggapin. Kapag iniwan ka ng jowa mo. Kapag nasingitan ka ng ibang lalake. Kapag nalaman mong sinubukan ka palang ipalaglag ng magulang mo. Pero ang pinakamahirap tanggapin sa lahat ay ang porma mo noong 1990s.
On Prophetic Visions
I'm suffering from visions. Prophet mode.
Everyone's family is dysfunctional. A family that looks perfect is just pretty clever at hiding their putrid little secrets.
On Defrosting a Refrigerator
For my next trick, I'll defrost this refrigerator and then run screaming around the apartment when the floor stars flooding.
Time heals all wounds. Time is overconfident.
On Ancient European Tribes
What are these so-called Lakers and Celtics that you speak of?
On John Lloyd Cruz
I just "liked" John Lloyd Cruz on Facebook. Because we're soulmates, he and I.
On Anger and Hatred
Anger and hatred are different things altogether. Anger is an emotion as fleeting as any. It’s a reaction to stimuli. It’s a biological response to threat. It’s an evolutionary adaptation useful for self-preservation. When the adrenaline rush is over and your amygdalae stop throwing their tantrums, anger fades away. Ha...tred, on the other hand, is like Jesus. It enters your heart and does not go away. At first it sets up a hobo camp and eats its meager rations over a sorry-looking bonfire. Then it starts building a shack. Then the shack turns into a bungalow. And then it really starts to dream big and begins the foundations of a fortress. One day, it thinks, one day this will be a fucking Wonder of the World. That’s hatred. It outlives even love or faith. And God help you if someone who has the power to hurt you hates you.
On the Happiness of Goats
Saw something called Happy Kambingan along the road. I'm assuming "happy" does not pertain to the goats.
On Personal Achievements
I just realized that my greatest achievement so far is breaking most of the Ten Commandments.
Query: Why does the omnipotent creator of all the universe need all that worship? What does he actually do with it?
Updating my resume, I started listing down my best qualities: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth.
For a while there, I seem to have misplaced my driving force in life. But now it's back and the familiar feeling of my heart awash in hatred for all things is back. Ohoho.
On Friendship Again
Dear Buddy: We've been best friends since high school and we have never talked about such things as Friendship or Companionship or Brotherhood. But that's okay. Because you're a Robin Padilla and I'm a John Lloyd Cruz. Na bastos. Brofist, man.
Remember, friends: human memory may fail but, rest assured, the heart remembers all.
Freedom always has a price. God help you when the price is too much to bear.
On Mashed Potatoes
I'm addicted to mashed potatoes. I make 'em everyday. One day, I'll wake up with mashed potatoes leaking outta my ears.
A lamb being led to slaughter looks up. "Adonai! Adonai!" she calls. The blade silences her. We pretend to understand.
On Angry Bastards
From time to time, I get tired of being an angry bastard too.
Look, buddy, I'm a writer. Oversharing is what I do best.