Saturday, February 12, 2011

The Word According to Squid Part 11

On Mortality

When I die, I want my kin to play Guns N' Roses' "Welcome to the Jungle" as my funeral dirge. In lieu of flowers, send strippers instead.

On the Internet

The Internet. The spiritual child of the hippie movement. The new and improved Tower of Babel.

On Lucid Dreaming

Took a nap. Had a lucid dream. You know what I did first when I realized I was dreaming? Fly. Unfortunately, my cell phone started ringing. Gahdammit, I was planning to test my superpowers!

On Exhaustion

Like Jacob after wrestling with Jehovah. Like a two-dollar whore on a Saturday night. Jesus, I'm spent.

SHITDIDIJUSTSAYTHATOUTLOUD?

Always wanted to know what long pork tastes like.

On Pretension

I call them "films" instead of "movies" because, you know, people think I'm smarter that way hurrhurrhurr...

On Writing for a Living

When I first had the grand idea that I would write for a living, I never realized that most of my life would be spent sitting at my computer in my underwear.

On Nerdness

You know you've entered god-tier nerditude from whence there is no return when you start running a portal of Windows XP on your MacBook via the Q application.

On Smoking

Only when you stop smoking will you realize that all smokers are assholes.

Movie Review: Ong Bak 2

Ong Bak 2 is crammed full of so much awesomeness, little girls have been known to conceive immaculately after watching it.

On Pretension Again

Most of us lose our pretensions as we grow older. Some of us grow more of them.

On Long Hair

Dude, I told you, I'm not in a band. I'm a wizard.

On Trolling

Because I troll in iambic pentameter.

On Current Events

My dream of living in a savage world where I can claw my way up to become a blood-encrusted warlord is becoming a reality.

On Art

A Spoken Word session is the artyfarty crowd's version of Videoke Night.

On Ideas

You might have ideas but if you can't put them down into words then they are useless. How can anyone benefit from your ideas if you can't express them? More importantly, how can anyone envy you for being clever?

On Ass-Reap

Shub-Niggurath and Her Thousand Young are coming. Prepare to be the recepient of pandimensional ass-raep.

On The Catholic Church

Ah, yes, the Mother Church. A bastion of progress since the Crusades.

Brain on Hiatus

On the ninth day, he started wondering if the dead were still there so he found a sledgehammer and made his way to the cemetery. What he saw would stay with him for a very long time indeed.

On Nietzsche

My formula is simple. Dress Nietzsche like a drag queen.

On Manhood

A real man can cook anything with leftovers.

On Obedience

Honestly, would you slit your own child's throat if God tells you to?

On Stupidity

An uncanny tinkling sound had been following me all day. It sounded like a small silver bell, the kind you see in strange temples, or in the staves of Shinto priests. It seemed to be coming from inside my skull. Or maybe just behind my eyes. It was driving me crazy. And then I realized what it was. My earring.

On Dinosaurs

Imagine how far more interesting things would be if we still had dinosaurs around.

On Pretension Yet Again

I try to pretend that Facebook isn't my prime source of news.

Brain on Hiatus Again

Strange thoughts hang over this city. Like Harut and Marut's sorcery upon Babylon. Like a beast about to spring on its prey.

On Opinions

The less you know, the stronger your opinions.

On Gods

Defy your gods.

On Freedom

I'll choose the worst quality of freedom over the best condition of enslavement.

On Food and Wisdom

Kare-kare needs alamang. But alamang doesn't need kare-kare. There is wisdom in this. Alamang may, by itself, be okay. But kare-kare with alamang is much more than the sum of its parts!
All your arguments are invalid because I have a picture of a samurai on my underwear.

On Heroes

All my heroes are assholes.

On Dilemmas

In any situation, ask yourself: What would Don Draper do?

On Long Hair Again

Having had my hair trimmed, I don't look like an evil wizard who eats babies anymore. I look like a Templar who eats toddlers.

On Ad Libs

When I don't know what to say, I do an impression of the opening narration in Disney's Beauty and the Beast.

On Public Toilets

Consider this. Men touch their dicks when peeing. A lot of men do not wash their hands after peeing. Men use the door handle when leaving the toilet (unless they're ninjas). A lot of men will use the hand with which they touched their dicks to touch the toilet's door handle. Apocalypse now.

On Opinions Again

Ignorant opinions are funneh.

On Dinosaurs Again

The triceratops would have been at the apex of awesomeness had it not been sissified by BEING A FUCKING HERBIVORE!

SHITDIDIJUSTSAYTHATOUTLOUD? Again

Up until sometime in the middle of college, I had a compulsion to burn things... SHITDIDIJUSTSAYTHATOUTLOUD?!

On Jose Marie Chan

Hearing Jose Marie Chan makes me want to beat cripples with their crutches.

On Systems

Which is the lesser evil: A system where some of the guilty go free or one where some of the innocent are convicted?

On Communist Tendencies

I'm cooking Arroz a la Cubana. Does that mean I'm a communist?

On Irish Folk Music

Irish folk music makes me want to take out my shillelagh and brain someone.

On Quitting Smoking

Writing. Without smoking. Someone please remind me why I am punishing myself like this.

On Quitting Smoking Again

Nicotine-free. Day three. Withdrawal symptoms finally kicking in. Interesting.

Nicotine-free. Day two. My hands are starting to feel stupid for lack of anything to do.

Nicotine-free. Day two. I'd sell your mother to the circus for a cigarette.

Nicotene-free. Day one. Jesus.

On the Gregorian Calendar

Thank Gregory it's Friday!

On Mortality Again

I just figured out how I want to die. Naked. In a pit. With a bamboo spear. Fighting a dozen grizzly bears.

On Music

It amazes me how one of the surest ways to piss someone off is to call the music they like shitty.

On Seats

By the size of the seats in Japanese-made busses, I conclude that Japs are either midgets or anorexic.

Trololololo

To piss off my wife, I turn on my best Eddie Vedder voice and sing: I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see...

On Music Again

Dear jologs dude on the elevator: earphones were invented so that the rest of us don't have to listen to your crappy music.

Brain on Hiatus Yet Again

Nyurnyurnyurnyurnyurnyurnyur.

On Real Life

Apparently, in real life, you won't find powerups lying in your path. And bullet wounds won't get healed by First Aid kits.

On Facebook

Facebook forces us to show all our friends our dirty linen. Ain't Facebook grand?

On Prophets

Is it just me or is Elisha the most awesome prophet in the Bible? He had double Elijah's superpowers. He once called a pair of bears to murder a gang of kids stupid enough to ridicule his male pattern baldness. He resurrects a dead kid. A dead dude that touched his corpse came back to life. Why aren't we hearing more of this prophet? Even Moses couldn't call bears to kill kids.

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