Saturday, June 16, 2012

Shit Happens

Dear Diary:

Most days of the year, I live comfortably enough. I watch movies, I play videogames, I read stuff, I avoid people as much as I can, I write what I have to write, I write what I don’t have to write, I do my chores, I daydream, I eat my vegetables, I irritate my wife by singing Erasure songs, I waste my time on the Internet, I try to be good, I try to make sense of my existence, and I attempt to create things that would live longer than me. Not too shabby, right? Yet there are also days when the cosmos seems to conspire against me.

Today was one of those days.

To start off, the laundry people ruined my favorite trousers, a pair of Levi's 527 Boot Cut Jeans. Some unhappy grunt must have expressed his dissatisfaction with his employer by cutting a triangular hole in my pant leg. As I changed to shitty jeans, I thought that tiny window exposing my hairy calf looked more obscene than well-endowed pornstar Shane “Blackzilla” Diesel’s Brobdingnagian appendage. Apologies for the imagery.

Next was the bus conductor, who seemed to be high on troll piss. Dude was scolding me for not having four pesos. Four. Shimmering. Pesos. That wouldn’t have been a problem if he hadn’t been too lazy to walk three steps towards the front of the bus where he kept his bagful of coins. It wasn’t three parsecs away. It was three goddam steps.

Then, on the train, there was this awful kid being fussy beside me. Those who take the MRT know what a clusterfuck that can be. Add to that equation a fat little brat who keeps elbowing you in the ribs and kicking you on the shin. To paraphrase Jean-Paul Sartre: Hell is other people’s kids.

And then, while smoking outside a coffee shop, my pocket decided it would be a superb time to grow a flaming rectal orifice. What rolled down my leg and across the pavement looked just like coins, but they were actually the shattered pieces of my dignity.

Finally, the money I’d been expecting turned out to be but a figment of my overactive imagination. When it rains it pours. Liquid hellfire. Down your buttcrack.

I need to watch some stupid Koreanovela now.


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